{"id":4941,"date":"2016-11-24T09:05:39","date_gmt":"2016-11-24T15:05:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/stoccoroy.com\/blog\/?p=4941"},"modified":"2022-03-20T11:53:55","modified_gmt":"2022-03-20T16:53:55","slug":"persons-dont-eat-persons","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stoccoroy.com\/blog\/2016\/11\/24\/persons-dont-eat-persons\/","title":{"rendered":"Persons don’t Eat Persons"},"content":{"rendered":"

Like many parents<\/a>, I’ve adopted the weird tradition of expressing my affection toward my children in cannibalistic terms. When Griffin and Maggie were babies, I regularly described them as “delicious” or “so cute I could eat you.” As I write this, we impatiently await the arrival of our third child, who will no doubt receive the same dubious treatment.<\/p>\n

These days, it’s more of a faux threat that I toss out when we’re playing tickle games or otherwise rough-housing. I’m a hungry troll! I’m going to eat your belly button! <\/em>(My beard is an astoundingly effective tickler.)<\/p>\n

This morning, while chasing Maggie around the loft, she suddenly put our her hand and yelled, “STOP! Persons don’t eat persons.”<\/p>\n

I burst out laughing, as did she, and I pressed her further. “What about delicious little toes?”<\/p>\n

“No!”<\/p>\n

“Crunchy elbows??”<\/p>\n

“No!”<\/p>\n

“Angel hair salad???”<\/p>\n

“No! Persons do not eat persons. Period!<\/em>”<\/p>\n

I was simultaneously amused by the whole interchange and pleased that she’s properly internalized the cannibalism taboo. And then she continued, doubling down on the weirdness factor.<\/p>\n

“Because we have brains.”<\/p>\n

“What?”<\/p>\n

“Persons have brains. Up here,” tapping her head.<\/p>\n

“Ok. So, I shouldn’t eat people because they have brains?”<\/p>\n

“Yes.”<\/p>\n

Now that that was settled, I prepared to tackle her for some more tickling, but she added, “And when you die you turn into a plant.”<\/p>\n

“Um. Wait, what?”<\/p>\n

Grinning with increasing excitement, she explained, “Daddy, when you die some day, you will grow into a plant. Or a bush. Or a flower! Or a TREE!” She was very pleased with the thought that I will be a tree.<\/p>\n

There is nothing cooler than a 4 \u00bd-year-old brain.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Like many parents, I’ve adopted the weird tradition of expressing my affection toward my children in cannibalistic terms. When Griffin and Maggie were babies, I regularly described them as “delicious” or “so cute I could eat you.” As I write this, we impatiently await the arrival of our third child, who will no doubt receive … Continue reading Persons don’t Eat Persons<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":true,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[45],"tags":[81,67],"class_list":["post-4941","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-maggie","tag-maggie","tag-maggie-says"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stoccoroy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4941","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stoccoroy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stoccoroy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stoccoroy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stoccoroy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4941"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/stoccoroy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4941\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7453,"href":"https:\/\/stoccoroy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4941\/revisions\/7453"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stoccoroy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4941"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stoccoroy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4941"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stoccoroy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4941"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}