Dressing Our Boy

Even before Griffin was born, I was disgusted with how horribly gendered all of the baby clothing out there is. Trucks for boys and butterflies for girls; blues, greens, and browns for boys, while girls have every color of the rainbow. I tried pretty hard to put him in gender neutral clothing from the beginning (which mainly consisted of stripes) but as he has gotten older, it’s getting harder to do. It seems like anything interesting looking (and not bloody expensive) is either made for boys or girls, not both.

It’s not that I don’t want Griffin to be a boy, whatever that means at this age. It’s just that I hate how important it is. He’s already going to be getting plenty of messages from others (and maybe subconsciously from Andrew and me) about what boys and girls are supposed to do and say. I want him to like what he likes for as long as possible before he’s aware of the “supposed to-s” and they inevitably influence his thoughts.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently because of four pairs of pants I bought for Griffin from the girls’ section. First off, since he’s a cloth diaper wearing kid, he needs at least a size up to fit his gianormous butt, and secondly, many boys’ pants are made of really stiff material (corduroy, jean, etc) which aren’t very generous with the diapers or freedom of movement. Many girls’ pants are made of stretchy cotton, which is perfect for his butt and doesn’t necessitate buying too-big pants, plus it accommodates his desire to run around as fast as possible. How perfect, right? Wrong. Girls’ pants are…well…girly. Actually, I would consider them way more FUN than boys’ pants, but if I were being honest, most people, including me, would look at them and think “girl.”

So living up to my standards for myself, I bought two pairs of rainbow striped pants, one green with multi-colored polka dots, and one brown with multicolored cutesy forest animals. They’re super fun and bright, and I think they’re great. They have been part of his rotation of pants for a while now, and I’ve been surprised how much of an indicator they are for gender. Most people refer to him as a girl when he wears them and then get embarrassed when I reply with the pronoun “he.” I try to make it clear that I don’t care if they think he’s a boy or girl, but one woman even went so far as to say, “Oh, of course he’s a boy! Now that I’m really looking, I can see that masculinity in his face!”

Most surprising has been the development of Griffin’s preferences as he solidly stands in toddlerhood. Andrew or I will dress him in some other pants, and if he catches sight of any of the four pants from the girls’ section, he gets incredibly excited and signs wildly to help put them on. He smiles big as we change him into his preferred pants and giddily prances around the house. I love to see him happy in his ability to choose and am delighted that he finds pleasure in such bright colors and patterns.

But this is a blog post because I feel like what I’m doing in buying girl pants for him is a statement. I suppose it might also be so if I put a girl in cargo pants and truck t-shirts, but somehow that doesn’t seem equivalent. I was actually prepared to have a girl to whom I would tell, “You can do anything, wear anything, be anything! You have the whole world at your feet! Pink or punk, whatever you want!”; give her a childhood much like my own where I was encouraged to build and fix things, play sports, cook, bake, and play with whatever interested me. While the pinks and princesses are certainly overwhelmingly popular with girl marketing, it seems more mainstream if a girl isn’t wearing pink or has trucks or prefers dinosaurs over dollies. I wasn’t ready for the fact that while I certainly would be supportive of my son wearing fairy wings in public, much of the people around me would not be.

As I read and hear about other parental struggles, I’m coming across many more parents distressed about their boys being teased and ridiculed about “girl” things than the other way around. It makes me wonder what is going on here: What is it exactly that people are afraid of? If I’m not concerned about my son wearing girl pants, why should you be? But here is where I get tripped up in my own thinking as I take it one step further: Would I put Griffin in a dress? Would I put clips in his hair? Would I buy a sparkly princess shirt for him?

The answer to all of these questions would be an emphatic YES if he wanted them (and frankly, it would be that way with a girl, too). But my intention is not to use my son as a way to make a statement; I just want him to be who he is. By giving him the choice to wear rainbow pants and play with magic wands, I feel like I’m saying, “You can do anything, wear anything, be anything! You have the whole world at your feet! Pink or punk, I love you for who you are.”

My happy kid in his happy pants.

8 thoughts on “Dressing Our Boy”

  1. Not that it matters, but I love those pants. Especially the squirrely ones and the stripey ones. You can’t avoid dressing your child in what *you* prefer before they have clear preferences of their own, otherwise you’re dressing them in what “they” think your kid should be wearing. What I think is cool in your case is that no matter what he ends up liking at different phases in his life, he has this experience of fun colors and playfulness that will always be with him (and not just from the happy pants.) I completely understand your reasoning on dressing him in the pants. The “right” boy pants seem impractical, uncomfortable and boring. Why should a toddler have to dress to those standards??

    Chris and I had a conversation about pink a couple nights ago. He was cracking me up with how adamant he was that he didn’t want a “girly girl.” HA! As if we have a choice! I’m with him, though, of course. But I figure that the pink princess phase will likely be inevitable. And I think of dancing. Oh, I’ve loved dancing all my life! Ballet dancing, modern dancing, tap dancing, banjo hippie dancing… I hope we get to do it all. Girly stuff shouldn’t be off limits, just like fire trucks and tool-benches, and eventually learning how to maintain a chainsaw and who knows whatnot. (I have no idea what I’m talking about, by the way. Ask me again in a few years, after the babe is out of the womb!) On the other hand, I’ll gladly question gender stereotypes with you. Isn’t this one of those things that you hope to do as a parent? One of the many complicated reasons you become a parent?

    I would have a tough time dealing with the weirdness of other people (masculinity in his face! hee hee.) I don’t want to get all serious, but you illustrated the double standard in gender stereotypes. It’s much more acceptable for a girl to buck the superficial gender charades than it is for a boy. It’s deep-seated misogyny. It’s okay for a woman to give up her feminine power, but for a man to give up his masculine power? Uh uh. Eh. It’s depressing and I’m no expert, but I think the double standard is stupid, especially when a 20 month old boy can’t ENJOY HIS HAPPY PANTS IN PEACE!!!

  2. Sarah, you and Andrew are the best parents ever (sorry everyone else in the world!). Not only because of how you’re handling this situation, but because you’re openly and thoughtfully exploring it.

    It’s sort of astonishing how deeply ingrained gender stereotypes are in our culture that people on the street would actually care what color tiny little Griffin’s pants are. And that you would anticipate, and rightly so I think, that other people might interpret your willingness to let your child express himself how he sees fit as somehow being you making a statement. But I guess in truth, you would be making a statement – it just would be something more along the lines of “I love and respect my son and his choices”. If only more parents let their children be themselves.

  3. also, people might not see the “masculinity in his face” if you stopped parading him around town in that fake Burt Reynolds mustache!

  4. Thanks for the thoughtful comments, Molly (and for doing them here on the blog instead of on Facebook!). You are so right about it being ok for girls to give up their feminine power but boys can’t give up their masculine power (because it is, after all, the superior power, right?). Ug. I think our pledge to ourselves and to our kids should be flexibility and openness. I think that’s the best we can do, because you’re right that we have no control over who our kids will turn out to be!

  5. Joey, you flatter me 🙂 I appreciate your comments and love that I can have this conversation with you and others via this blog! And I think you’re totally right that my statement is: “I love you.”

    And Burt Reynolds is totally cracking me up.

  6. Eeeeeewwww! I didn’t know that stupid smiley face would pop up. I much prefer the beta version. That’s what I meant to type to you.

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